On Being Broken, Again
With every episode, the tragedy continues
For weeks I’ve known, but all I could write was a title.
Actually writing these feelings into words — my body wouldn’t allow it. Thinking about this episode made me so sad, a sadness that needed words, but a sadness that was also tears and writing through crying doesn’t work for me. So I’ve thought about it a little here and a little there. I cried for 30 minutes before I finally sat down to write and I don’t have anywhere else to be. I’ve taken two breaks.
***
In early-2023, and likely a bit before that, something broke in me.
I remember being at a retreat in early January with my husband and promising to contact a doctor and therapist. There were likely many causes that have never quite abated: I took on too much and tried to support too many and when I needed to tend to myself I couldn’t. I’ve not once felt ahead; I am always running to catch up. I am exhausted.
Many days I’m not moving. I am spinning with anxiety and all the things I needed to do but feel physically unable to do them.
I know what happened, what I accomplished in 2023. I list them to remind myself: co-wrote a report that was widely…
