external validation doesn’t matter when my internal voice says otherwise — I don’t know if I ever really believed that I might be denied tenure. I knew denial was possible, but I’d done the things I was supposed to do to get tenure. What I’d done was enough. There were weaknesses in my file, so perhaps, a few votes against me…

I had my first suicidal ideation at 11. — CW: mental health, suicide, children “For your safety, always stand behind the yellow line…” I read these words as I sat on the rugged wooden subway bench, 12 or so dirty tiled feet from the line, a yellow line pocked with bubbles as a warning to your feet that you…

It is both wrong and right — “The wolf took one last look at his mother and father…” My son is reading aloud in the other room. I hear his little voice recounting the story of a wolf who became the first wild wolf in California in a very long time. He reads with expression — exclamation…

I write about my personal struggles because I don’t want to talk about them. — It happened during a professional discussion about possible collaboration. “Yeah, I read your work and I read your blog” It happened at school pick up. “Yeah, even behind your mask I know what you look like because I googled you and read your blog” It happened during coffee with a…

Let’s hope I don’t lose them again — One day I lost my words. I woke up that day, and every day since, the words weren’t there. Instead, a jackhammer attempted to break through my skull, loud, internally rattling, my brain violently slamming around, forcefully hitting the sides of my skull in quick, violent, and unpredictable patterns that…

Too Sick to Manage, Too Well for Help — It starts as moments of feeling deep despair. Tears threaten to fall at any moment. I turn off my camera in these days of personal interactions over Zoom, leaving my interlocutor unsure and troubled about my behavior. I lie, say that I need to blow my nose or do something…

In Anticipation of My “Forget These Kids” Weekend I am a bad mother. I curse around my kids. I don’t force them to eat vegetables. I encourage showers, but if they don’t stink, I don’t care. I told them we would get a dog and they could pick it out…

My yoga is better now that I’m not skinny — I have to move my belly out of the way, or else I can’t get my fingers under my feet. My thighs give out and I land on my butt trying to do a toe stand. No longer able to rotate my hip joint to place my foot on top…

I’m working on me but I still have to do my day job. — [Note to the reader. TW: mental health and suggestions of self-harm] Words matter. For my little family of five, words house us, feed us, and entertain us. I get paid to talk and write. During the academic year, I must craft almost four hours of spoken word a week; these…